If I become more of myself

“If I become more of myself, bad things will happen.”

This was an unconscious belief that I just recently made conscious, with the help of some online tarot card readings, a dream, and a crap-ton of Myers-Briggs personality themed videos.

Related belief: “If I allow others to see more of who I am, my safety and well-being will be at risk.”

My safety at risk? Yes. From childhood to adulthood, if I spoke up about something I didn’t like or tried to be more myself, the result was some varying level of abuse, homelessness, or getting fired from a job. Basically, punished and cast out.

I have feared those outcomes and I wonder today for the first time if this is where the INFJ personality developed within me.

INFJs are supposedly quite skilled at near-instantly detecting what others want from them—almost seemingly psychic at times when it comes to reading other people—and then adjusting themselves to fit what the other person wants.

For me, doing/being what others wanted was a safety mechanism, sometimes to protect my life because I thought the other people might get physically violent and possibly murder me if I didn’t. (Okay, well, maybe the murder part was kind of an extreme fear, but it was a real subconscious fear to me each time!)

Unfortunately, this can lead to being “fake,” as I’ve learned by watching some INFJ videos, and that’s probably true, I must admit. I think people won’t accept or like the real “me.”

A great example of this is in online games, where I pretended to be a guy because I thought no one would want to play with a girl or because perhaps because I could tell that being a girl would make things awkward with some of the players. Or, at least, I didn’t correct people when they typed something like, ‘Thanks, dude, you saved my ass back there.’ Additionally, it felt cool to be ‘one of the guys,’ even if I was just kind of morphing myself into what I thought they wanted me to be so that I could fit in and have some sense of belonging somewhere or some shit. (Hey, I never said my fear was rational).

“Wait, what are you saying? …Jason Nuluck is actually a female IRL?” Yeah. I guess the “pretending to be a dude” carried over onto to this Ascension platform. I hope it’s not disappointing. I thought that no one would want to read posts by a girl because maybe there were too many chicks in the new age community and not enough dudes, or maybe because guys just seem way cooler than girls for some reason… or something like that. I dunno. Clearly I need to work on healing my inner Divine Feminine aspect or whatever. But the subconscious fear was probably driving my actions, in a way: “If I sign up with my real name, bad things will happen. People will get angry at who I am, and might take action against me simply for existing, possibly leading to virtual homelessness (cast out from the community), or even actual homelessness, starvation, job loss….. Yeah, my thoughts can get carried away, sometimes. It’s a fear of being forced out, which probably harkens back to what I heard David Wilcock mention in a video about the “original wound”… aka, being cast out of the metaphorical heaven and being born on Earth, under the illusion that the one infinite creator (Source, Universe, God, etc) no longer loves us because the veil is so damn thick that we can’t really feel it for a long time.

Unfortunately, I can’t really keep up the façade. Making myself into what I think others want me to be eventually gets to be too much and I am often the one who casts myself out of the group, disappearing into the internet-void. Or the employers can tell I’m not happy, so they fire me for not being happy while struggling to come up with an actual valid legal reason for firing me (“not a good fit” and “not integrating” is the best that two places could come up with. A third place just said, “we know you’re not happy here.” *sigh*).

Maybe I’m finally being forced to be more of myself because I can’t keep up the fakeness, anymore. Even though I never thought or realized it was fake. Perhaps because of all the new energy coming into Earth, I’m forced to finally figure out what I want, who I am.

And maybe that’s okay that this is happening. 🙂 Just part of my path, I guess.

So here’s the new sentence (soon to be a belief): “If I become more of myself, good things will happen.”

(Related?) —> If I reveal more of myself, will good things happen?

I guess I’ll fuck around and find out.

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  1. Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your path. It is through others that I often find what I need, well, if I will let my ego get out of the way…
    It didn’t take long before I realized I could be the one writing those words above. I, too, have a similar path of people pleasing, etc… but there is also a very generous, compassionate, caring, and loving side to me that refuses to be suppressed. It is a parallel thing, on the one hand, I am giving and kind to a fault and on the other I am too mutable and change for the wrong reasons. I have worked long and hard to find a balance, but nothing worked until these days… My ego, omg, my ego is quite the little prick and will throw me back into the crap if I do not center and balance my spirit DAILY.
    I wish you the best on your journey.
    Peace, love, and light to you and yours

  2. Well you just took the first step into becoming comfortable in your own skin, IMO – Kudos! I was not expecting that when you “came out” with your well-written and well-staged admission. May you continue to find courage to keep stepping into your own wholeness and find acceptance here in our community. “We’re all just walking each other home” — Ram Dass

  3. Frank James on YouTube made a comedy sketch about an INFJ responding to a Google auto-correct search: What do INFJs want?
    The INFJ responded by saying: “Well, I’m reading the body language and the tone of voice of the people around me to see what it is I should want.”
    A guy off-screen says: “Yeah, but what do you want?”
    The INFJ says: “Oh. What do I want….” And he thinks about it for several moments and can’t come up with an answer. The way he does it is so hilarious to me.

    16 Personalities Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions | WIRED Parody

    16 Personalities React to Googling Their Type

    1. Oh, I should probably clarify why I noticed the 808. The number 8 is significant to me because it appears three times in my birth date, so it’s very personal. Kinda fitting for this personal blog thing.

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